THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING (2003) *1/2 The first half, the half where they try to have a plot, is confusing for reasons including the fact that it's too dull to pay attention. Then finally they get a pretty good battle going, replete with all kinds of scary monsters with bat wings and such, but they keep cutting back to fucking Frodo and the balding bulimic Dobbit (who has again escaped over from the Harry Potter flicks). That obviously won't do, but there isn't anything else, especially the musical score which is trite and bloated and counterproductive with the possible exception of a single a cappella number sung by a hobbit. The only compelling thing about the film is trying to figure out which of the leads is worse. Viggo Mortensen spends every single frame desperately trying to look intense. The result is largely akin to a McDonald's employee of the month grappling with alternative strategies for opening a new case of fries. Elijah Wood spends the entire film looking pained and bewildered, mirroring the audience. At the end, by which I mean the last hour, Tolkien apparently suffers a severe bout of "and then there was another bad guy, and then there was another battle." Would desperately cry out for a satire if this hadn't so thoroughly satisfied the requirements.
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